prose

April 3, 2o12
Patiently pull through the storms of impulses to see the
fields in sight in retrospect my future, significance
of life and goal in all the work that needs to plant life there on that incredibly
fertile land, my home. My rebels never conformed never complied with what I had
and life was always chaos on the inside.Storm, Revolt, inadequacy to surroundings
forcefully pushed and pulled to enemies and foreign harbors. Torturing me with
dilemmas, contradictions and dead ends, wrecking my ships with high winds of
uncertainty and fear. My wounded sailors untying knots that anchored ships in
all the foreign harbors now felt the
breeze from home that’s nearby. No one promised smooth sailing, but now we’re
headed in the right direction. Forgive me life for losing all my men along the
way. I don’t know how this could have happened any quicker. I don’t know how
and why you graced me with these gifts that felt so wrong and out of place for,
oh my god, eternity it feels. I pray to have the strength I need for the
remainder of the way.

April, first day warm.

Life tells us stories untold, but we watch movies about love or some great new patriot ish. The news is about some place else, not here. Not this planet, not the universe, some place else...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-13042316

Frankly, we are probably just weary, no, bluntly, really fucking bored. Noone knows "what to do with their lives" We should just nine-to-five it, really, it's up to someone else to figure out life and care about 3rd world countries. We're great and dandy consuming and gossiping here. * will never hit the fan here, for chrissake we live in Canada. right? Why do men attempt to tell stories about other men's relationships? We should be looking at life's patterns and dynamics. It is tiring to think about things. Look a few steps ahead of ourselves, think not only about tomorrow, but maybe the dawn of life, as terrifying as it may be. Maybe controversy and extreme doesn't come without a push and a shove. Don't know about you, but things like this definitely push me...

Your unfought fights or My Victories

A struggle or a fight is our inner selves looking for adequacy. We are craftsmen building bridges intertwined in unseen reality. And maybe feeling of incompetency are temporary or permanent missing links..it depends, but that’s another topic.

I sat and stared at this painting close to an hour today, with an espresso shot and of course Emily Carr in between.( I couldn’t let myself stray from that feeling of precision, but Emily Carr sits well in my heart and mind). It’s a state of trance; I think this trance is a full complete bridge between me and the painter. I read her, Here she is – my dilemmas, my struggles, my perception of myself; feeling and vulnerability in the corners of her mouth, knowledge in her eyes, her fought battles in her cheeks and chin and a sword at her side, she is a woman – beginning of 19^th century that’s holding a sword, it says quite a bit about her position. Did she ever exist ? I don’t think it matters. I think what matters is that she lived in that room, in the wholesomeness of her image that I understood so well, in the bridges of concepts materialized, taking forms in completeness. My eternal dilemmas how to grow, believe, feel and at the same time create, build, position yourself and where do you look for protection with all the openness that you have to carry when you do such honest things that people are not used to ? People comprehend Maslow and Pavlov better. People set themselves to fight their everyday battles most of the time not even consciously, with other people, often preying on the weaknesses of their close ones. For me today, it was a truly inspirational piece. My comprehension and extension of it – She doesn’t fight unnecessary battles, that’s my victory. True value of a great artist. (and I know two, how life was somehow so generous to me)… and I’ve learnt how to keep secrets in hidden places. Learning how to speak loud and clear is tough, but I think at this point I am passed the attack mode stage that used to drain me so much..now I am just working on tone and annunciation (drama is my second language – see chapter 2 in an inna manual :P )

And if it all makes sense, well then you're definitely crazy..

Gratitude, freedom? I’d like to keep steady - two steps forward, one step back, but there is no set pace, there is life. And Sharks , they thought me to be prey, it has to be the way I floated…My eyes lowered mislead them. I have capacity for metamorphosis and drama is my second language, which I am learning. But what’s the reason they are here? It stands alone in corners of their unconscious. When they come out of water you see these reasons in their postures, movements, they speak so silently with their body language that I loose my focus, but why do I keep watching them, they’re watching me too, staring right in my eyes. My drama teacher taught me when you are moulding a part to know who you are and where. Intuition is a flashlight you should use only for invisibility in places like your soul, your being, your mind, and heart has to stay open. Identify exactly what you are equipped to do and whether you are performing your task with all your strength and effort. A sense of accomplishment - wild birds that burst out the cage door, definitely not a momentum you can take a good grip on. To stay pragmatic, having full control of situations, predicting, assuming, identifying, trying, trying and more trying and when it works, - “well, what’s next?” Ah and don’t forget to keep the mirror reversed, keep yourself sane when your heart is open and you are learning how to feel things properly, because it’s a gift. My personal biggest gift to life. Or a gift from life. Trying to stir this intangible complex all encompassing machine is the toughest task I have ever set myself to do, so I wear my sword at my side…